Not That Kind of Girl

Not That Kind of Girl

This time last spring I’d decidedly cast aside all my fears about online dating and created a profile on OkCupid. When I’d set up the account, I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for, or if I was looking for anything in particular at all. But, a friend had convinced me that online dating would be the easiest way for me to throw myself in front of men to see what was out there considering it had been years since I’d last been intimate with a guy. Within days of being active on OkCupid, I’d met a guy. His messages made me laugh and blush; they were equally funny and flirty. And, after a day or so of messaging back and forth on the app, we agreed to meet up at a bar on a Wednesday night to get to know each over drinks. Immediately, he and I hit it off. The chemistry was there. The physical attraction was undeniable. The conversation flowed effortlessly.

Fast-forward to a couple months later, he and I were spending a significant amount of time together and things between us were on the fast-track. I didn’t have the courage to slow it down, so I shoved my reservations to the back of my mind and followed his flow. I reasoned that things were moving along quickly because we liked each other a lot. And yet, despite us liking each other so much and so quickly and spending so much time together, I had no claim to him and he had none to me. In fact, for the entire duration of our “situation,” we both maintained active profiles on OkCupid. And although several conversations were had about deactivating our profiles and who should be the first to do it, it never happened.

Around late August, things between him and I had turned sour. Aside from great sex, not much else was happening between us. Eventually, it became clear to me that we were not in a relationship, not even close to it. We had become sex partners. Dates had become fewer. Conversation had become minimal. The chemistry, the intimacy had fizzled out. We fucked at night and carried on with our lives the next day. Once the realization hit me that I was just his sex buddy, I started to feel used and ashamed and hurt each time we had sex because, up until that point in my life, I’d never believed myself to be that kind of girl.

The kind of girl who has casual sex with a man she’s not in a committed, monogamous relationship with. That girl who’s totally okay with acting as a placeholder until a man decides who he really wants to be with. The kind of girl who sacrifices her self-respect for deep strokes and pillow talk night after night. That girl who believes it when ain’t-shit-men tell her that she isn’t good enough, that she is inadequate, and that she needs more of this and a little less of that before she’ll ever have a chance at being a man’s one and only. The kind of girl who so desperately wants a man to choose her, to elect her to be his, that she’ll do damn near anything to make him change his mind. The kind of girl who loses all resolve and relinquishes all self-restraint when he shows up smelling good and saying all the right shit, even though she knows this is a game to him and he plays it so well.

That girl who lets him inside of her because she can’t yet muster the strength to deny him, even on nights when she doesn’t desire him. The kind of girl who knows better than to trust him but can’t keep herself from believing the lies he tells and accepting the excuses he makes. That girl who shrinks herself in his presence, makes herself small so he can assume himself to be smarter, wittier, bigger than her. The kind of girl whose self-image and self-worth is so fragile, so fickle when she’s with him that all it takes is one verbal blow for her to silently crumble on the inside. That girl who knows she should have left a long time ago but stays because she’s convinced herself that if she sticks around for a little while longer, maybe he’ll wake up one day and be madly in love with her. That girl who realizes that he never intended to love her or care about her, but still, she can’t trick her mind into believing otherwise.

I’m not that girl now, but last year, I was definitely that girl in a lot of ways. I can own that now. I’ve forgiven myself…a little. The denial has subsided…somewhat. There are still days when my mind wanders to last summer and I’m forced to contend with how I foolish I was then, how I acted against my own self-interests time after time. In fact, two weeks ago, he called me and we stayed on the phone for an hour catching up. He was his usual controlling self, steering the conversation along in his favor, strategically evading the questions he did not want me to know the answers to. Before hanging up, he suggested that we link up soon and I agreed. He’s since texted me twice to make plans to meet. I’ve curved him both times.

I guess I’m just not ready to be that girl again. Then again, maybe I am.

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7 Comments

  1. Monday, May 1, 2017 / 9:10 am

    You are BEAUTIFUL and so intelligent. Let me tell you something we have ALL been THAT girl for some guy at some point in life. For me, casual sex isn’t a bad thing IF that is what the woman wants and if she doesn’t have expectations beyond that. I’ve also always been sort of sexually liberated and never was a good girl so it could just be me talking lolll. It’s definitely dangerous to navigate that world with a person you have real feelings for that aren’t being reciprocated. I’ve found that sometimes even tho of us who think we are prepared for casual sex can still get caught up if the sex is great. After years of not being intimate, I can only imagine how vulnerable your heart, emotions, and everything else was…..ESPECIALLY if he put it down great the lust probably did turn to love feelings. We only stop making mistakes when we die so take them all in stride and don’t be too hard on yourself. Maybe you are just a hopeless romantic holding on the idea of him…….maybe you are just a regular woman with a loving heart that has been taken advantage of……maybe…just maybe…….you are human.

  2. Wednesday, May 3, 2017 / 9:42 am

    Andrea, we all have-at some point-been “that girl” even at my age(forty something), I have been that girl a few times and guess what I will probably be “that girl” again. I didn’t set out to be her, it just kinda happened. But, for me I don’t believe I should deny myself of sex. Now, make no mistake, I don’t do it often, actually I go without sex more that what I get, but when the attraction is there especially on more than one occasion…I satisfy it! Now, on the flip side of that, there is a good chance you may catch feelings, while having “casual sex” and trust it will happen (I been there too-post to come later, lol). I said all that to say that…we are human and shit happens! It hurts, we cry, we get mad when we don’t get the relationship we desire from someone we have feelings for, but don’t be hard on yourself, my love! Don’t give up on love either!! Thank you for always been open and sharing your life experiences with your readers. XOXO

    • Sunday, June 4, 2017 / 7:00 pm

      Funny how that happens: you think of yourself as this smart person who makes good decisions and considers all angles of a situation and then you look up and find yourself deeply involved with a fuckboy and you can’t find your way out. It’s disheartening, truly. Please know that I am in total agreement with you on the matter of not denying yourself sex/pleasure. We’re grown ass women. If there’s a consenting partner who wants to have sex as bad as you do, then why wouldn’t you have sex? Get it in! However, when it came to this guy and I having casual sex, the lines became blurred early on because we lacked communication. He wasn’t forthcoming about his intentions with me and he led me to believe that there was a possibility of us moving past just sex into potential relationship territory, which ultimately caused disaster and hurt feelings. I certainly think it’s possible for adults to engage in casual sex, remain friends, or even work towards a relationship. But, in order for that to occur, both parties have to be up front from the very beginning about their expectations and desires beyond sex. And when it came to that, this guy just refused to be honest. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with me, Bobbie. I haven’t given up on love, but I am done with fuckboys!

  3. Wednesday, May 3, 2017 / 7:22 pm

    Drea, girl. This was SO heartfelt and relatable. And I second the sentiment mentioned by Style4Curves: Who *isn’t* or at least hasn’t been this girl once upon a time? After having been entangled with a guy who moved just like this, I have a deep-seated resentment for these shady types that won’t let me accept all the blame for entertaining their shenanigans even after I saw through them. Yeah, it’s fucked up for us to allow ourselves to be played like this, but guys like this also have to take some accountability for being blatant, game-playing assholes. That whole evading questions/controlling shit is giving me awful flashbacks LMAO.

    Anyway, I hope you’ll continue to curve him (if not, no judgment), and I love the transparency of this post.

    • Sunday, June 4, 2017 / 6:34 pm

      The realization I’ve come to in dealing with this guy is that these type of men typically lack self-awareness, and that’s their biggest character flaw. While we can see how shady, manipulative, controlling, evasive they are, and be brave enough to call them out on it, they don’t see their actions through that prism, which makes it all the more difficult to approach them about their harmful behaviors. Knowing this is half the battle because you know that no matter how many talks you have with this guy, no matter how gentle you are in telling him about himself, he will *always* deflect and deny and find a way to make you second-guess yourself. These men don’t try to apologize or accept personal accountability or try to change because they don’t believe themselves to be the problem to begin with. So, the best thing you can do is go ghost on his ass—straight up! Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts, Kenya. Oh, and apologies for the flashbacks, ha!

  4. Monday, May 29, 2017 / 9:35 pm

    Girl! GIRL! You said it ALL. You just told the story of so many of us. But let me tell you..the feeling you gain when you finally decide that you AREN’T that girl anymore. Powerful. You kind of feel like you can kick anyone’s ass. Like you are the SH!T minus being vain or cocky. It’s a different kind of tolerance or really the lack thereof.

    I have found myself recognizing and dismissing the bullshit so early these days and moving right along with my “fabulous” life without missing a beat. The value in knowing that our days aren’t promised and so I refuse to let a f*ckboy take up my valuable time that could be spent watching ratchet tv or eating a good meal by my damn self. #tuh

    You are so Lit. The king that snags you up, won babygirl;)

    • Sunday, June 4, 2017 / 7:11 pm

      Yaaaasss! That feeling is real and empowering and makes you feel like you won! I won’t lie, this situation has put me in a space where I now feel very uneasy about dating and less inclined to allow a man to come into my space again. I don’t want to be vulnerable again. For years I was single, and then he comes along, all this shit happens between us, and now it seems that I’ve been knocked back to square one. Sure, I’ve learned a lesson from this (recognizing bullshit and dismissing it right away, as you mentioned), but it cost me something. Now I have to rebuild the emotional strength to get back out into the world and date, which is hard. Thanks for your encouragement, girl. And yaaasss to good food and ratchet reality TV. Is there anything better than that?

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